Flying out of the states at sunrise
July 2016
I stand at the back of the plane – the doors, unguarded -- Death could be upon us all in a short moment. Standing on the brink of destruction in such a docile environment. How could those who perished on 9/11 know they were being brought to their end? Was there time to panic? Or was it faster than that, sudden non-existence. Did they feel fear? Pain? Our lives can be snuffed out so suddenly, it’s terrifying, yet oddly freeing. Every thing you do is a risk. Not doing anything is a risk as well. Regret can weigh heavy, as does fear. Terror can paralyze you in an instant. It also drives excitement…Knowing that you are facing an obstacle that you may not overcome is exhilarating.
Does any of this change how one lives? Does it manifest itself through action?
No one can say what the definitive calling of mankind is, it’s doubtful there even is one. Bacteria live and die with the sole motivation (if it can be called that) to replicate. This replication carries out evolution through creating defects which sometimes are beneficial to survival, leading to growth. The same goes in humans.
Is this felt by those who attain traditional success, like wealth or status? Are they defying fear setting aside the consequences or are they actually running away from fear, and drowning in their work. Preoccupying their mind with distractions like a drug addict does with a needle. Are they actually preoccupied with others’ opinion of them?
What about me? What am I motivated by? What should my life “portfolio’ look like? As I approach 25 (the arbitrary quarter life mark, despite the fact that most people never make it to 100) Who knows if I’ll even make it. I might be 90% through already, life comes with many surprises. The way the world works is I could die any second now, even get shot up by a gunman while writing this. But I will hope that is not the case, and continue to hope that I am in the right place at the right time, or at least not at the wrong place.
If our sole purpose is to procreate, life is not too hard. Especially when you are auspicious enough to have resources at your disposal, whether earned or not. The game gains new meaning when prosperity replaces survival as primary objective.
With these new goals, how does one become successful? You can choose to focus on different aspects of your life, like you would skills. Wealth, power, love, happiness, physicality, mental stability, and knowledge. The balance you choose may be altered and modified, like a stock portfolio. The balance of goals and ways you invest your time will affect the outcome of your life portfolio.
It appears to me that my balance has been focused on the quest for knowledge as of late. As precipitated by my grandfather and carried out due to my interest in attaining wealth while maintaining the other features. I have continuously bypassed my childhood focus on the physical self as my mental cravings have grown. Despite the need to maintain my body to allow my mind to work clearly. I prefer to seek happiness but have allowed things to get in the way of my growth in other areas.
My job is quite boring, at least on this current project. However, it provides me time to do other activities. How I use this extra time should be strategic. What do I wish to achieve? If I must forego learning at my job, it is up to me to develop myself outside of working hours. Develop into what then becomes the question.
I drew a model that looks like this:
In this model, well-being and happiness are separate but they are integrally intertwined. Many of the activities that make me feel happy or pleasurable involve exercise; sports, like soccer, promote spontaneity and teamwork, which makes you feel good. With the added high of physical exertion, it is something I truly enjoy.
If a story is engaging, I can get lost reading and ignore the frustrations of the world. I can see a thousand lives outside of my own. It is also comforting and helps me understand people more.
At work, my manager would like me to work on understanding the politics of people. This is likely a good idea. While something I have historically avoided, drama is very frequently present because of the power struggle of average humans. Understanding the motivations of others should be beneficial to my growth as a human. As a psychology major it should be a strength of mine, yet I am lacking in this ability, which distracts from my….human-ness.
How many times have I missed sarcasm or a false laugh, or enthusiasm? How many-shared moment have been at my expense. Am I some fool that entertains or am I actually talented. I could be like Don Quixote, who I am reading about, who lives in his own world and doesn’t acknowledge or recognize reality.
But IS this life false? If my perception is positive, does it matter what others think? I often miss moments and may seem aloof but that is because my focus is elsewhere. Only in my own head can I trust. Then there, can I believe my faulty memory? Even if my memories are true, how can I presume that my senses caught the event accurately? I know this has happened before.
I sometimes convince myself that we should be open and not care about others. In hopes I do not overstep my boundaries and make myself a pariah, an outcast… Yet, isn’t that what I seek? To be a hermit, the old man from stories whom heroes seek advice from. I always wanted to be the hero but failed. I was always too self interested (like Vegeta). So I became the teacher as the old saying goes. I know what had to be done, I had potential, yet I failed to because of my inability to act. Maybe that means I would be a great teacher…or I will never be able to teach one to greatness because I could never get myself there.
An advisor is helpful to others but their advice is tempered through self experience and often times failures of their own. So the greatest advisors are those who have failed repeatedly. Wisdom of what NOT to do. For the one who tells you how to do it had certain conditions, which may not be able to e replicated in the present. The one who is failed, however, can provide words of caution to be heeded.